


don't fear the past (before it comes along)

by riverblujay



Series: non(bri)nary [2]
Category: Polygon/McElroy Vlogs & Podcasts RPF
Genre: ((aka they're getting there)), Dialogue Heavy, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Nonbinary Brian, bri/pat preslash, conversations with your friends about gender, its loving lmam hours all day every day folks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-17 12:23:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18965170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riverblujay/pseuds/riverblujay
Summary: they shrug. “i dunno, pat, it’s like. there’s a messy and undefined spectrum ofgenderthat i don’t fit into entirely, and sometimes i might land closer to one end than another, but not really."





	don't fear the past (before it comes along)

**Author's Note:**

> the first thing i want to make is a disclaimer: there's a lot of conversation in this one, about gender, labels, etc, and i want to make it clear that **this fic in no way represents the identities of the characters portrayed in it.** think of this as complete fiction that just happens to share names and faces with these people.
> 
> for the actual dialogue/bri's experience with being nonbinary, i did pull a lot of the sentiments, at the very least, from my personal experiences as a nonbinary person. make of that what you will.
> 
> standard rpf disclaimer; if you or anyone you are affiliated with is portrayed in this fic, please do not read my emotional enby ramblings, and maybe leave this part of ao3????

 

 

 

They’re hanging out with Pat (again), when he brings it up. Which, obviously it’s not hard to find their other work, and technically they _know_ their co-workers could seek out their personal projects if they wanted to, but it’s not something Brian usually thinks about. So maybe they’re a little surprised when Pat breaks the tentative silence.

“I hope it’s not _too_ weird, but—I’ve been making my way through LMaM lately? And I think it’s pretty fucking hilarious, for what it’s worth.”

Brian lets out the breath they had started holding. “Pat Gill, you scared me for just a sec, there,” they chuckle. “I guess I’ve never put a lot of thought into co-workers actually listening to the dumbass-ery Laura, Jonah, and I get up to, much less think it’s funny.”

“I’m enjoying it, so far,” Pat remarks. “And, also—holy _shit_. I don’t—you have a really great voice,” he finally mumbles. Brian smiles at him. “Thanks,” they fire back.

The awkwardness returns for a beat, then two, then:

“...Which one’s your favorite so far, if you don’t mind me asking?” Brian interjects. Pat somehow manages to contort his face into a thoughtful expression while still maintaining enough focus on the game they’re playing to be beating them at the moment, _fuck_.

Pat hums before answering. “I dunno,” he admits. “But—the New Year’s one—I think it’s cool that. Uh,” he trails off, seemingly stuck. Bri knows what he’s stuck on, though, so they take pity on him.

“The whole, ‘there is no specific gender to Doctor Brims’ thing?” They raise an eyebrow cheekily.

Pat swallows nervously. “Yeah,” he mumbles, uncharacteristically, “that.”

They don’t mean to, honest, but Brian can’t help but snort at the hesitance. “It’s okay to ask me questions about my gender, or about being nonbinary in general, Pat. I’m not—I’m not gonna be offended, or anything,” they say bluntly. “I know you enough to know you’re not an asshole, much less a transphobic one.” Pat looks like he's about to try to correct them, so Brian quickly adds, “Intentionally.”

At that, he smiles grimly, but seems to be reassured. “Alright,” Pat sighs. “It’s more that it was interesting to hear you—almost _insist_ , for yourself, at least—on using they/them pronouns for Doctor Brims.” He shifts his focus onto Brian’s face, which they can feel flushing at that exact second. They shrug, words escaping them for the moment.

Pat shrugs back. “It wasn’t something I would’ve paid a lot of attention to, before you were out at work. But now…” he trails off, voice somewhat distant. “I thought about it, when I was listening, and counted only twice—maybe three times—where you use _he_ instead of _they_. Even though that wasn’t your other roommates’ instincts.”

“Oh,” they say softly, with just a hint of shock to it. “That’s—I think it’s cool that you noticed that,” Brian smiles (and there’s only the slightest bit of a grimace to it).

They remember recording that episode, and how there were other, slightly more serious conversations, that the three of them had had afterwards.

  
  
  
  


(

“So,” Laura trails off, a curious note in her tone. Brian looks up from their laptop as the three of them chill in the living room post-recording the most recent LMaM episode. They’re each doing their own projects, sure—Brian’s actually making their way through a work thing, at the moment—but they’re all doing it together.

They raise a curious eyebrow at her, and even Jonah looks up from his own work, tugging off one side of his headphones. She frowns a little, but continues. “Maybe I’m just reading too much into things, but I’m only realizing now that you… made a point to use _they_ for the Doc Brims bit. Even when me and Jo didn’t.” Laura glances curiously at them, and Brian shrugs.

“Well,” they say nonchalantly, “it’s not like there’s a _ton_ of nonbinary representation out there. Especially canonical.”

For some reason, _those_ are the sentences that make their sister pause, and Jonah, too. Brian switches their glance between the two, who both have somewhat _odd_ expressions on their faces. “What?” they ask.

Their roommates seem to be—not frozen in thought, per se—but it’s definitely as if the both of them had an epiphany Brian wasn’t privy to. “What is it?” they try again.

Laura tries to brush the moment off, saying, “Oh, nothing,” but she makes her way over to the couch to sit next to Brian anyways, hands folded in her lap once she’s in place. They close their laptop and set it aside before semi-gently elbowing her in the ribs. “Hey!” their sister shouts, but the jab seems to work as intended because it startles her out of her stupor.

“I guess it’s just,” she starts softly, sighing. “I don’t always think about that kind of thing.”

The look on Laura’s face is almost pitiful, so they do as any younger sibling would and ruffle her hair. She leans away for a second, trying to put herself out of reach, but at least she’s smiling now (albeit somewhat sadly). Brian rolls their eyes. “I know, dummy. I don’t expect you to.”

Their sister sighs again, and Jonah is setting _his_ stuff aside now, too. “Look,” Brian starts, “if this is, like, mostly about the pronoun thing—I just used _they_ the whole time because, well, it was natural?” They shrug. “Because those are the pronouns that _I_ use? It doesn’t mean you guys defaulting to masculine pronouns is bad.”

Jo hums thoughtfully, because he kind of gets it—look, a lot of their _figuring out their gender and that they weren’t cis_ stage happened freshman year of college, when they had first met, and Jonah has witnessed probably more of their gender freak outs/questioning/existentialism than almost anyone else in Brian’s life.

Brian tries again, as Jonah sits down on the other side of their sister. “Laura, do you remember when I first came out, and stuff?”

She nods in reply. They carefully stretch an arm around her shoulder, because being siblings is a constant balance between _too much_ and _not enough_ in, like, five gazillion different categories, one of which being “physical affection in tense, emotional conversations about your gender, and to an extent the realities that come with it, with your sister.”

“And how when I first told you, and mom and dad, and Pat, and everyone else, I was still kind of playing around with pronouns and stuff?”

“Yeah,” she agrees. The three of them are strangely solemn, because obviously they have conversations like this, but also the three of them are used to goofs and bits and laughing probably too hard at something probably not that funny.

(Brian remembers those days clear as glass; the nervousness they had felt about coming out to their family, Jonah’s and their other friends’ (that knew they were nonbinary) texts of encouragement that winter break, how they had said to their family, sat down together at the dinner table to get it all out of the way at once (like a band aid)—

_“I’m… not entirely sure if I’m going to keep using he/him pronouns forever,” they nervously choked out. “In fact—I’d really appreciate it if you tried using they/them for me, for now.”_

—and how their parents and brother and sister had accepted them graciously, and honestly _tried_ , and by now were pros at it.)

“Just because I didn’t _exclusively_ use they/them at the time didn’t make me any less nonbinary,” Brian calmly explains. “Just like how someone can use any—or _multiple—_ sets of pronouns and still be nonbinary, trans; whatever they call themself.”

The silence hangs over them for a few moments before Jonah, reliever of tension, starts cracking up. “Bri,” he whispers breathlessly. “ _Brian_.”

“What?”

“Would you—” another snort, “—would you say that you’re— _nonbrinary._ ”

There’s another pause, and then the three of them are laughing uncontrollably, awkwardness forgotten for the time being.

)

  
  
  
  


Brian coughs, clearing their throat. “It’s funny,” they explain, “Laura noticed that too, afterwards.”

Pat raises an eyebrow. “Oh?” They snort in response but keep talking. “It wasn’t, like, _majorly_ weird afterwards, or anything, but we did end up. I dunno—talking. About things.”

They attempt to turn their focus back onto the game they’re playing with Pat, for once. He lets them, obviously in an attempt to give Brian agency over the conversation—which they really do appreciate. Once they’re at a reasonable stopping point, and they're feeling slightly more composed, Brian hits pause.

“I guess,” they start when Pat turns to look at them after they pause the game, “more than anything, we talked about. Like. Nonbinary representation and stuff, and a little bit about pronouns—related to the episode, kind of—and stuff like that. And then Jonah made a joke that I’m _still_ not sure whether or not I like,” they summarize.

“Huh,” Pat says, “...was it a _bad_ joke?” They look at his eyes and see cautious embers in them, like Pat is ready to get righteously angry at their defense. “Not in the way you’re probably thinking,” Brian interjects, which gives Pat pause. They sigh, but only semi-reluctantly continue, “He was like. ‘Brian. Technically, you’re... _nonbrinary_ ,’ and then all of us started laughing our fucking heads off.”

It seems like Pat is a word away from cracking up himself, so they tell him, “You can laugh. It’s not everyday you find out there’s a pun combining my name _and_ my gender.” That does it, evidently, because Pat is breathlessly apologizing, winded from his laughter. Brian chuckles a little too, if they’re being honest.

Once the two of them cool off, Pat… doesn’t start the game back up again right away. He’s hesitant, and at first Brian can’t figure what about. Thankfully, they don’t have to wait long before Pat answers that himself.

“You—” he starts tentatively. “You said you wouldn’t get offended, or anything, if I asked stupid questions.”

“Not at all, Pat Gill,” they smoothly remark, “though honestly, I don’t think there’s really _any—_ well, no, there might be stupid questions, but you probably wouldn’t ask those. But yeah, feel free to ask away.”

He rolls this around in his head for a while, almost, as if Pat’s carefully composing a question he might not know all of the words to. “Maybe this is, well, too personal,” He starts eventually. “But—I dunno, I guess I’m kind of curious about how you like. _Realized_ you were nonbinary.”

They can see Pat holding a breath, afraid he’s encroached on something too personal right away. Brian exhales deeply, thinking.

“Well,” they sigh, “I suppose it was mostly the fact that I was, y’know, away from my parents and stuff, and actually _meeting_ other queer people. And then realizing that not being cis was a _thing_ , and that maybe I wasn’t so crazy whenever I felt too—weird. Bad. About my body, and how I looked. Which was obviously, um, a guy,” they uncomfortably mumble. Pat waves them on, rolling with Brian’s insecurities and not demanding explanations about them.

“So college—freshman year in particular—was me kind of experimenting with things. Cause, like, even the first time I learned being _trans_ was a thing, I still kinda thought, ‘that can’t be _me_ ,’ because despite the fact that whenever people called me a guy the emotions I felt the weren’t the most comfortable ones, I knew that I wasn’t a girl either.

“Still played around with pronouns a lot, though. Used multiple sets, trying to figure out what fit. Eventually settled on _they_ , but honestly, pronouns are a… weird thing for me, sometimes.”

“Yeah?” Pat curiously prods. “How so?”

Brian bites their lip. “I mean—It’s not the end of the world, for me, when people don’t use they/them pronouns. And, well, there’s not ever really going to be a time or scenario when some random stranger is guaranteed to use the right pronouns on the first try, for me, cause that’s kinda just how it _is_ when you’re nonbinary. But even though I _could_ deal with people using he/him or she/her for me, it’s not. The _best_ feeling in the world?”

They shrug. “I dunno, Pat, it’s like. There’s a messy and undefined spectrum of _gender_ that I don’t fit into entirely, and sometimes I might land closer to one end than another, but not really. So usually it doesn’t necessarily bother me, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s an overall _better_ feeling for me when people do use they/them pronouns. Cause labels are mostly—unnecessary, I guess would be the word—for me, when it comes to gender. I mean, I use _nonbinary_ but other than that it’s… fuzzy?”

Pat nods sagely. “I get that, I guess. Not with gender,” he scrambles, clearing his throat, “but like. In technical terms,” Pat takes a deep breath. “I—I guess you could say I’m bisexual? But that’s not ever something I’ve felt the need to label for myself.”

 _holy shit holy shit,_ _did pat just come out to them???_

Brian pauses, and honestly they take maybe a second to process the information and then just… move on. Because it _shouldn’t_ be a big thing, and also Pat knowing what they mean about labels in a less-than-abstract way kind of _rules_.

They can feel the tension starting to build, so they deadpan, “I’m the chaotic, non-gendered bisexual the media warned you about.”

Pat starts laughing again, and it’s so infectious they can’t help but follow suit. By the time they’ve both calmed down enough to talk in coherent sentences, Brian can tell Pat’s… more _at ease_ , maybe. Looking less like he’s terrified he’ll fuck up or say something stupid or whatever he was afraid of.

They’ll take that as a win.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> do yourself a favor and listen to lmam (aforementioned episode eight [here](https://letsmakeamusic.com/letsmakeamusic/8))
> 
> (yes, i counted, yes, brian /does/ only use he/him pronouns for doctor brims a maximum of three times (minimum of two- once is in the middle of a ton of crosstalk))
> 
> i started writing this last night after it was loving and relistening to lmam hours and listened to lmam 8 again and went, "shit, that'd be a good nbdg verse fic" and then i wrote it ridiculously fast, compared to my normal wordage to time ratio


End file.
